I am a wife, mother, daughter, nurse and most importantly, a child of God.

My story is something that I have never really shared, entirely before; I would tell others bits and pieces of it but nothing like what you are about to read. I feel like the Lord is wanting me to share it in hopes to help others. As iron sharpens iron. So here it is…

I currently work full time with a company that allows me to work from home (as a nurse), while I keep my youngest son home with me. Some may think that it must be super chill and easy, but my days are far from chill and easy, with having a mischievous toddler running around, while I work, might I add, my days are busy and chaotic.

I am married to a wonderful husband that is an Army veteran and currently employed with Home Depot. He is a tall, dark and handsome hunk of quirky goodness. We have a total of 5 children between the both of us, with having 3 boys under the age of 6, that currently live with us. We also have a bird (Benny) and boxer(Molly) to add in the mix of the fun chaos. So, if you have kids and pets, well, then you know what our life can be like. We may be busier than a honey bee, but it is nothing short of a full, abundant, and blessed life! I have always dreamed of being a mother and I am very grateful for the Lord allowing me to have my own children running around.

I grew up in a small town of Perry, FL, where everyone knew everyone and kids all grew up together. We had a church on every street corner and church members who were more like family. I had a loving home on a small bit of land, maybe 7 acres, that I learned a lot about life on. Most of my days were spent playing outside, swimming in the pool, going to Mema’s, tending to the chickens (we called it chicken patrol) and riding the golf-cart. I hated being inside and I loved having my friends over to enjoy it with me!

I truly have been blessed my whole life with sprinkles of God’s favor showing up in numerous ways in my life.

But unfortunately, that did not make me invincible from getting picked on in school or even at work. Childhood/adult bullying can cause severe damage and trauma to anyone who suffers from it. Leaving the victim feeling worthless, useless and unloved.

I have always been on the heavier side and was always picked on because of it. I can remember it starting in elementary school and a boy in my class would call me, “Chunky puff.” Ugh! It may be funny now but I can remember the embarrassment of being made fun of for being bigger and uglier. I remember the dread of waking up with knots in my stomach dreading to have to go to school, knowing I would be getting my daily dose of name calling and picking.

At this point I started to play with my eyelashes, running my fingers over them, picking at them and eventually pulling them out. I didn’t know what I was doing, I realize now it was a way to cope with the day to day stress. My body didn’t know how to process the anxiety that I had from dealing with the bullying. Thankfully, I did have friends and 1 really good best friend (we are still friends to this day - Ketta) and that balanced everything out and made living worth while. We would have so much fun hanging out and when we started laughing, we couldn’t stop. Laughter is really good medicine for the soul and we had a ton of it! I don’t know what could have been so funny back then but we would laugh until we had to pee!

Middle school started and so did the bullies. I transferred from a public school to a private christian school my 7th grade year in hopes to be free from public school bullies, but that didn’t stop anything. It was actually worse! I started getting picked on at the christian school by a couple of girls who were kicked out of public school. Later after I finally told my parents what was going on, I found out that my dad arrested the girls mom for dog fighting. So she came to school and just made my life horrible. I sunk into a deep depression, losing nearly 50lbs and several dress sizes. I dreaded to live, I begged God to take me to heaven because that would be so much easier than living. I even went as far as grabbing one of my dad’s guns and holding it to my head (I believe it was unloaded) struggling to make the right decision of putting it down. I knew taking my life would send me to Hell and I knew that was not an option. I often would think about all the torture that Jesus faced when he was here on earth and the pain he endured. My pain was nothing like His, so I prayed and held on. People can be so cruel and often don’t realize the trauma they can put on others. I started picking my hair from the underneath causing me to have bald patches. In attempt to hide it, I would have to wear my hair down everyday to cover up the bald patches. This continued for several months as I would withdrawl more and more from my peers causing isolation and sinking further into my depression. After my parents were made aware of my bullies, they went to the school to sort it out and nothing changed. I eventually transferred back to public school for my 8th grade year.

High school started, I was 14 years old and with being in a new school, I had a glimmer of hope. Maybe this would be better and it was better. Less bullying and more of discovering myself. I stopped picking and pulling out my hair, all the damage I created from the underneath had re-grown. High school was my best school days and I really started blossoming. I started dating boys and became a social butterfly. My senior year, I did all the things, was in homecoming court, participated in little women(similar to college sorority), was working 2 jobs, won prom queen, helped plan and coordinate a major event called “future now” with my church. I had my whole life ahead of me filled with hope. I was the closet I had ever been to the Lord and I was being used by Him in mighty ways. At this point I have been free from any picking and life was dandy.

I started college in the fall after I graduated in 2010. I attended North Florida Community College, which is now North Florida College. I started working on my AA because I was still unsure of the career path that I wanted to pursue. Close to the end of completing my AA, I decided to try out a PCT program or patient care technician class and I ended up excelling in that. I was happy knowing I found my career path! I love to be selfless and caring for others gave me that sense of purpose as if I was making a difference in the world. My heart just melted for the elderly, knowing they had lived and experienced life and life’s problems first hand. All these elderly have their own story to tell and there story is still not over. I just had a heart and passion for them. They earned their respect and I felt like I owed that to them. I also quickly learned that I was fascinated with the study of the human body. I craved learning about it and wanted to know more. Why this affects that and why is this doing that. So, after completing the PCT class, I then applied for the LPN program and was accepted!! I graduated nursing school (LPN program) with a high “B” average and earned the ‘Florence Nightingale award’, this was awarded to the nurse who truly carried theirselves and displayed qualities of a nurse. Having integrity, compassion and dedication for caring and being their patient’s advocate. I was so surprised and proud! I started my nursing career in my home town at the local hospital. I left the hospital due to feeling like I needed to have more experience and more studies to ensure optimal care for my patient’s. Other nurses often said that you learn the most on the job, but this stressed me out knowing that people’s lives were in my care. I wanted to ensure that I knew what I knew was going on with each of my patient’s with a clear understanding of all disease processes. I left after having a panic attack seeing death in my patient’s eyes, I literally could not imagine having someone pass away under my care and on my watch. This has been a very very hard moment in my fresh career path, leaving me to feel like a complete failure. I then moved to Tallahassee, FL. and continued my nursing career there, starting a job at a weight loss clinic with a pay raise. Everything was looking up.

After I was settled in with the move and in my new job change I decided that I wanted to finish my AA. I took a break from it when I tried out the PCT class. So, I was determined to finish my AA, after a hand full (I believe 4 more classes), I graduated! YAY! I was so ecstatic and proud of myself. I felt smart!!

I continued to work at the weight loss clinic and while doing so I lost 50+ lbs (again). I was feeling great! Until I wasn’t…..

I am not sure why adults don’t know how to be civil and not have a ‘mean girl’ mentality. The reality is, is that in many small office settings this typically is the case, no matter the age of the person.. My co-workers were great at first, we all got along and they were nice (at least to my face) for a while. But then after I decided that I was not going to participate in partying and drinking with them or anyone anymore, well things started to change. I would hear them talking about me when I would leave the room. I tried to blow it off and pretend mentally that they weren’t talking about me but it started to get harder and harder especially when they then started a group chat leaving me out texting about me while I was in the room. Like, either people just don’t care or they think I’m dumb…

This slowly started to escalate and get worse I was just trying to survive until I found another job. And to be honest, this was so bad that I know without a doubt I could have won a lawsuit. Unfortunately, due to this it caused my anxiety to peak an all time high. My bad habit started again. It was at this point that I questioned myself, “what is wrong with me? This isn’t normal. This has to be some kind of condition….” So I started to research it and discovered that I have Trichotillomania, which basically is a long word for, I pull my hair out. Even writing this is so so hard, so please have compassion.

When I am stressed, anxious, tired..it starts up. Before this last episode I had beautiful brown curly hair that everyone wanted. I would have compliaments daily on how beautiful it was and now…. now I have no hair, it’s all gone. Now I buy my hair, full front laced human hair wigs that cost a fortune. But I do have to say, wearing a wig is easy to style, put it on and go! The drawback is I can’t swim with it on and go under water and I know people look at it and wonder why I am wearing a wig. It’s hard to tell them why because it’s so embarrassing! Most people don’t understand and would say, “just stop pulling your hair out!” But if you do any research on the matter you will learn that it’s not that easy…

and who wants to admit that they have this issue.. A type of anxiety disorder that causes self harm at their own hand. Miserable. Dreadful. Worthless. Hopeless. Ugly - are all words that I used to described myself.

I have had tragic life altering events happen and I don’t want to go into full detail about it due to my children’s sake, but my divorce from their dad, my high school best guy friend was a very hard, emotional time of my life. Due to unresolved conflicts, we were unable to work things out and ultimately it ended in divorce. I continued to pull. I was at the lowest point in my life and I can remember begging God again to take me home. Crying my eyes out in the shower and crying myself to sleep never eased the pain, but I knew that I had to pick myself up with what I had left and keep going. I had 2 little guys that still needed their momma and the love I have for them kept me going. I dreaded having to send them back to their dad’s on his days because it was so lonely, but I learned to deal with the pain and keep myself busy. I quickly learned that I could NOT live a life without God and His plan will prevail! I thought that I could still love God (and know that yes Jesus died on the cross for us to be forgiven) and live in the world.

I grew up in church and was raised learning the word. Years ago God dealt with my heart at church youth camp and I knew I had a calling on my life. I still to this day don’t know what that is but I do know that He has called me to live a life as an example of being Christ like and to lead others. I fought the Lord, because, well I thought it wasn’t fair that other people could have fun and drink and yet, I had to live a holy life. So, I ignored that still small voice and would still go out with my friends to clubs, to drink alcoholic beverages and dance. I enjoyed being around friends and being the life of the party but I quickly learned that this was not the plan God had for my life. He was not pleased at all with my lack of, “resisting the devil.” And now that I was going through a seperation and divorce, I dated. And online dated. At first it was fun and exciting but I learned quickly that dating in your 30’s, stinks! I am not one to just date for the fun pleasure of it, but I did. I was trying to find myself and find where I belong. I wanted to see if I was really worthless, like I had been told. But, let me tell you. having that mindset is a dangerous path leading to destruction. I was headed down that path, opening myself up to men that I previously would have never even given the time of day to and would do anything to just feel loved. That is a horrible place to be in. Thank the Lord, that even during my stubborn ways and times, He kept me safe and kept close eyes on me. There were times that I was in situations that I was scared and even was taken advantage of but the Lord let me walk away alive.

That was the moment that I knew I had to stop. Stop dating. Stop searching for love. I knew that the sense of belonging and to feel loved would only come from the Lord. I knew that I needed to return to Him, but you know how Adam and Eve hid in the garden of Eden after they disobeyed God? Well, that shame and guilt was something I had after everything I had done. And it all comes down to the same thing. People often are hurt by loved ones and they start searching to fill a void in their hearts. They end up searching in areas that would often lead to destruction. The devil is out to kill, steal and destroy. The word clearly tells us that and I have seen that over and over again, especially in my own life. But Thank goodness that God sent his Son as a sacrifice to die on a cross for us to be forgiven of all of our sins and have eternal life. Imagine that, living forever and ever. If we don’t accept God as our Lord and Savior, no amount of good deeds will get us into heaven. We will be sent to Hell, feeling 100x worse with misery, dread, fire, depression. I can’t even imagine the eternal misery we would suffer. Please don’t be someone who has to have that eternally. All you have to do is confess (by saying it out loud) that Jesus, I know you died on a cross for my sins, so that I can be forgiven and live eternally. Please forgive me of all my sins and come live in my heart and transform me please. Amen.

God wants us as we are, all messed up and sinful. It is at this time He will start to clean us up from the inside out. Changing our hearts and desires, to how we treat people, we start to become more like Him. As I grew up knowing and learning this truth, thankfully the word will not return void and I returned to Him. I followed the Lord’s instruction and got plugged into my church, Freedom Church in Tallahassee, FL. I joined as many of groups that I could because I knew if I had free time I needed to be around Christ like minded people or in the church. Ultimately, the Lord started moving in my life after my obedience to Him. The love I was searching for started to fill my heart. I joined a small group in my church and at first, I was reluctant in staying due to the fact I was the youngest person by 30 years. But I stayed and I went each week and we studied the word. Growth and healing started to move in my heart and I started to feel better. I continued and as I went each week I got to know many older and wiser followers of Christ who all have grown to love me and become family. That group saved me and I will forever be grateful to the Lord for putting me there.

I then joined the singles, small group and enjoyed the company of young adults in my age group. We studied the word, had great fellowship and enjoyed a wonderful meal cooked and prepared by our host. As I attended, I met many individuals and my now, husband. My first interaction with him was me making fun of his accent and I asked him if he was from California, saying surf’s up and using the hand motion. At the next small group meeting, we had a chance to hear each other’s story and I thought man he is cute and conversation was just so easy. The next day we added each other on FB and would see each other at church at then I remember that Sunday he came over to me and talked to me more and we exchanged numbers. We then talked and talked and never stopped since that day. After a month of dating he proposed on the river (August 2024) at Bear Paw in Marianna, FL. and I said YES! We got married 3 months later on 11/9/2024. The most easiest decisions I have ever made! I knew God sent that man to me with out a doubt. That is an answered prayer.

A few months later we started looking for our future home. Mostly in hopes of buying one soon. But after some very hard work, blood, sweat and tears we were able to buy our first home!!!! And oh did the Lord bless us with the most perfect home!!! Better than any home we have had before! 3 bedroom/2 bathroom, all brick and completely remodeled.

As we settled into our new home I learned quickly that I enjoyed being at home in the peace and take in all the blessings the Lord gave us. Plus, I had no time for much else besides caring for my family, keeping up with house hold chores, church and working a full time job as a nurse.

Anyone who knew us knew that God was working in our lives and He still is. Removing us from things that doesn’t please Him.

Our story is still being written an I am still praying for deliverance of my disorder.

Jeremiah 29:11.

To be continued…